Private Higgins was the pride of the Royal Artillery, mostly because he was the only one who could polish a cannon while singing The Roast Beef of Old England in three-part harmony with himself.
However, Higgins had a slight difficulty with equipment. He could never quite remember which end of the trumpet was for blowing and which was for putting on his foot.
During the great inspection of ‘73, General Gloop walked down the line.
—Private Higgins! roared the General.
—Sir! shouted Higgins, saluting smartly.
Unfortunately, as he saluted, he raised his left leg, upon which was strapped his brass trumpet. It made a loud PARP! directly into the General’s waistcoat.
—What is the meaning of this?! Gloop screamed, his whiskers trembling.
—It is my secret weapon, sir, Higgins replied without blinking. —A foot-operated warning device for stepping on enemy toes.
The General stared at Higgins’ foot. He looked at the trumpet. Then he looked at the sky.
—Brilliant, the General muttered. —Absolutely brilliant. Give this man a medal and a fresh pair of socks. Preferably without brass valves.
Higgins went on to serve for twenty years, though he was eventually discharged for attempting to salute with a porridge pot on his head.